tolerance vs. capacity
To live in this world means we need to tolerate shit in order to survive.
Anyone who has experienced significant trauma, along with any human who is alive here on earth, has had to build enough tolerance to manage the activation of all the oppressive isms and how they impact the individual, the collective, and our Earth. We all learn to tolerate, and we are often celebrated for it because it can look like strength.
The word tolerance doesn’t exactly give me a warm fuzzy feeling. When googled a definition just now, I got this: “To accept or endure (someone or something unpleasant or disliked) with forbearance.”
Although tolerance is an essential part of life, getting really good at doing it all the time gets us stuck in survival responses. And when we’re stuck, the possibilities of choice, support, safety, and connection seem unavailable. Survival don’t got time for choice. We might feel small, out of control, dissociated, braced, or just stressed.
A chill example is me last week, trying to get this newsletter out before the end of the month while also assisting at a four day Somatic Experiencing training. As I tried to figure out how to cram it all in, I felt the familiar feeling of my brain scrambling, my stomach clenching and my legs disappearing.
And then I was like…LOL. Not me pushing past my limit to write a blog about capacity vs. tolerance. White supremacy is so sneaky.
Our capacity is different than tolerance. Capacity is the maximum amount something can hold. Getting to know our capacity can be tricky. It can expand, but only gradually as we learn to be with more intensity. For example, we can lift heavier weights by building our strength over time. We can explore deeper in therapy once we’ve built the groundwork for safety and regulation. Getting stronger involves getting softer. Staying within our capacity is the difference between feeling intensity with presence vs. the too muchness and too fastness of overwhelm. To make it trickier, everyone’s capacity is unique. There’s no hard and fast rules.
We can only build our capacity by growing slow. The trouble is, trauma and capitalism don’t like slow lol. It’s uncomfortable and can even feel life-threatening. An often very frustrating part of healing is when we end up being less able to do what we used to— not because we are weaker but because we learn how to include our bodies in our decision making process.
When we listen to our bodies, they tell us the difference between capacity and tolerance. When others around us are also listening and getting curious about how they can support their capacity, it’s a little easier for us to do the same. When I see someone honor their capacity, there’s this little relieved part inside of me that’s like, “Oh yeah, that’s an option?!”
So! Wanna fight capitalism, heal your trauma, and help your friends?!? Here’s a lil practice by Marcia Baczynski from Euphemia Russell’s book Slow Pleasure:
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So often we endure situations even though there are things we could do to make ourselves more comfortable or at ease. Even if the thing can’t be resolved, only managed, there are often more options and choices than we are initially aware of.
Pause for a moment and ask yourself: “What’s one thing I’m enduring right now? Is there anything I can do to feel more comfortable or at ease? What is one micro action I can do to allow more ease?” What are you denying yourself?
Ask yourself about three things you’re enduring in life at the moment. Is it something in your body, space, relationship dynamic, communication? Don’t think about it too much, just list them.
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I’m going to practice noticing my subtle yet frequent automatic impulse to brace my pelvis, lower spine, and belly. That sensation usually has a lot to say about what I may be tolerating. ;) What about you?
Yours truly,
Katie
cover art by Evan M. Cohen