how to self care when you don’t care

I’ve been noticing a trend, and the trend is that a lot of people feel tired right now. We’ve got our reasons: structural oppression, child-rearing, exams, grading exams, watching our earth begin to die, watching the sun setting before dinner… to name a few. Being tired is our body’s way of telling ourselves, “rest”. But it’s not always so easy to listen to our body.

Developmental trauma and oppression can make it hard to do so, because at some point it was too dangerous, and it was more important to protect ourselves. Generative Somatics co-founder Staci K. Haines describes trauma as situations that put our core needs of safety, belonging, and dignity in conflict with another, so we have to choose one over the other. In the face of unmet needs, our nervous system often numbs us to manage overwhelm. As we learn to unthaw ourselves, it’s just as important to honor these ways our body intuitively kept us alive.

So. There’s some really good reasons why it’s hard to know what we need. There may also be times when we can listen to our body, and we hear it singing, full frikin volume, in the words of Cardi B, “be careful with me / it’s not a threat it’s a warning / be careful with me”…aaaand we still leave the house to go override our nervous system some more. Self trust takes practice y’all.

As I touched on in my last blog, misattunement to our nervous system can especially happen during season changes and life transitions. Our brain can keep trying to maintain the same energy as before, and our body is like…um. What? Especially when we’re new to hearing and trusting our body, this can feel disorienting, or even shameful.

The good news is, having less energy or being in a freeze state (think Sadness from Inside Out when they’re collapsed on the floor, or scrolling energy) is morally neutral. It doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you, or that you’re lazy, or you’ll feel this way forever, or that you’re the only one feeling this way.

Some more good news: neuroplasticity is a thing and we can learn to be embodied. We can learn to feel and trust ourselves. We can learn to notice what state our nervous system is in (fight, flight, freeze, flow), and shift states if we need. We also don’t have to do this alone. A starting place could be simply getting familiar with your nervous system states. Check out Deb Dana’s polyvagal resources for some guidance with this practice (just remember, a worksheet doesn’t replace therapy).

Befriending our body may feel like an inside job, but I like to think of the process through a somatic lens. In her 2019 book The Politics of Trauma, Haines describes our body or “soma” as “the interconnected thinking, emotions, actions, relating, and worldview […] Somatics holds the body as inseparable from the Self and how we live, act, and relate.” Our body is more than something we have to control, and it expands past our physical form to embody everything else that shapes us.

Now how does this relate to self care? This idea of the more expansive Self has helped me understand that self caring is also expansive. It doesn’t always need to be a solo act, and it can change to meet our changing needs. I’m not self caring wrong if something isn’t working; it’s just because I need something a little different. This could be as simple as walking around, stretching, or dancing when I’m doing breathwork instead of sitting. But if solo self care isn’t cutting it, community care may also be possible.

For example, maybe you’re tired of sitting with your feelings, or “taking your stupid walk for your stupid mental health” (one of my favorite meme trends). Instead, you can also try sharing your painful feelings with someone you trust, even if it feels a little uncomfortable to be so candid (especially if it feels like that, actually). Try walking with a friend who can cajole you out of the house even if you’re feelin unmotivated to put on all those layers. We can carry whatever’s heavy together, and even if it doesn’t fix anything you’re worried about, it can feel a lot less overwhelming.

For those of you reading this who feel disconnected from community, I want to reiterate that feeling alone is also morally neutral. It isn’t tied to your self worth or your innate ability to love and be loved. I encourage you to stay on the lookout for people or groups who may be worth getting to know. It doesn’t have to feel perfect—doing something new usually doesn’t. You can go slow. A place to start could be coming to the shinrin yoku practice Meeka is holding on December 10th. Another idea is to sign up for a free peer support group through Peer Support Space Inc or get involved in other community spaces near you.

Remember that befriending ourself takes time, like making a friend takes time. Practicing embodiment doesn’t mean we are always perfectly connected to ourselves and the world. When describing healing in her book Girlhood, Melissa Febos observes that “A lasting, conscientious change in the self is similar to one in society: it requires consistent tending. It is sometimes painful and often tedious. We most choose it over and over." As you create or assess your self care rituals, check in and see what you need to support this tedious tending. Does anything need to shift so you can meet yourself where you actually are, right now? Self care is still care work. We don’t always have to do it alone.

Yours truly,

Katie