you aren’t your problems
“When you are sitting in the middle of your own problem, which is more real to you: your problem or you yourself? The awareness that you are here, right now, is the ultimate fact.”
Shunryu Suzuki’s famous quote from his book Zen Mind, Beginner’s Mind returned to me while reading cartoonist Alison’s Bechdel’s most recent graphic novel, The Secret to Superhuman Strength. You may know Bechdel from the coined Bechdel test, a simple pass/fail movie test with the following three criteria: (1) it has to have at least two women in it who (2) who talk to each other about (3) something besides a man.
Anyways, I digress…
In her newest novel, Bechdel references this Suzuki quote while riding up a hill on a bike trip, ruminating about why she always has to be achieving, why she is so uptight and braced for disaster, and why this makes her a “neurotic wretch.” Then at some point in the intoxicating delirium of exertion where her ego loses its grip, she thinks, “You are a neurotic wretch! So what?!”
It made me think of what I often repeat (perhaps annoyingly) in therapy sessions: you are more than your parts or problems. Acceptance of these parts helps us hold them more softly and access self compassion. It’s a precarious balance to not let these parts define us while allowing them to be a part of us. Paradoxically, allowing them to be helps us change. When we own our shit and accept our whole self, our shame feels safe enough to soften.
Psychologist Dr. Han Ren (@dr.han.ren) recently discussed the nuance of radical acceptance on an instagram reel. She noticed that many of us think of radical acceptance as resignation, feeling helpless and powerless that we have to accept this thing that is happening to us. Instead, we can think of it as empowered allowance. For me, this means being real about how I’m feeling and owning my feeling / mistake / imperfection / situation. In the process of letting go of my ashamed ego, I’m usually able to ease into my agency and potential.
So my follow-up questions to myself and y’all are these:
What helps your ego soften? What helps you get to the point where you can say, “I’m anxious, so what?!” “I’m worried I’ll fail, so what?!” “I made a mistake, so what?!”
I don’t mean what helps you throw accountability out the window. I mean what helps you find a little self compassion for your imperfections? What helps you remember that you’re ok to just be?
And if then… what happens next? What are you able to do differently?
For what it’s worth, here are some things that have recently helped me recenter my awareness to my complex, whole self instead of my problems: reading Bechdel and Toni Morrison, journaling, being around trees and fields, opening up to friends, listening to Br3nya and CARRTOONS (loudly), laughter, breathwork, exercise, meditation, and baths.
When I take the time to recenter (a process that, btw, doesn’t always happen as quickly as I’d like), I notice I’m able to reach out for help, rest, try new things (like powerlifting!), take accountability without over-apologizing, and remember to give myself intentional alone time (I’m a recovering anxiously attached person so sometimes I forget).
We are more expansive than our problems, but that knowing isn’t enough. Our nervous system is an experiential learner who needs to learn incrementally and repetitively that survival mode isn’t always the most efficient way. We learn to soften through play, getting curious about our soma and surroundings, balancing movement and rest, and connecting with ourselves and others. It’s not easy, and even as adults we still need to be shown over and over. So what? It’s worth it. Survival mode is expensive.
I hope these questions and reflections help us all feel a little more centered in ourselves and not in our “problems.” At the very least, I definitely recommend blasting Br3nya in your car and making sure your next movie pick passes the Bechdel test.
Yours truly (and happy spring),
Katie
cover art by David Alpert